When Someone Criticizes Your Guitar Playing

June 07, 2023

Today, we’re going to talk about what to do when someone criticizes our guitar playing.

 

I’m taking a swing at another subjective, relational topic today.  So, if you experience these words and you agree, disagree, or have things to add…your comments are welcome, especially if they are constructive. 

 

I certainly encourage you to honor the Lord with your comments – but if you’ve been experiencing this content for even a few episodes, I’m thinking you are already on board with that.  I’d also like to extend a word of gratitude to my wife, Whitney, for helping me gather some thoughts for today’s episode.

 

If you’re like me, you play the guitar.  And if you’re like me, you want to get better at playing the guitar.

 

But there are times when we get discouraged because of what people say about our guitar playing.

 

I’ve got a few strategies I want to invite you to consider on your guitar journey that might give you some encouragement. 

 

Two main types of criticism

Criticism can be divided into two basic categories.  First, the type that’s designed to tear down, and second, the type that’s designed to build up.

If criticism is offered in such a way that it basically says, “What you’re doing is not good, or not good enough,” with no suggestion for how to improve, I’d call that the negative, “tear down” type of criticism.

 

We have an enemy.  Satan.  The father of lies.  The devil.  The accuser. 

 

And he can often be a part of this kind of criticism.

 

These kinds of darts he throws are intended to destroy, paralyze, and keep us from moving forward.  And sometimes something is said that is directly intended to wound, or it could be said in a less than intentional way and therefore perceived as negative criticism. 

 

There are things people have said to me in musical and non-musical circles that were very unkind.  And they were communicated in ways that could have been improved upon, or even not spoken at all.

I saw a movie several years ago that I cannot openly recommend to fellow Christ-followers because the language was so coarse.  It was the 2014 movie Whiplash, where the protagonist, a very gifted drummer named Andrew, comes under the tutelage of a ruthless jazz teacher by the name of Mr. Fletcher. 

Fletcher stops at absolutely nothing to get the very best from his students and shows no empathy or care for their feelings.  His words are crude, unkind, and he even resorts to shouting and slapping one of his students for not playing in tempo.

 

This “quality at any cost” mentality is very much “of the world,” and I don’t believe it has a place in our faith-based approach to music.

Again, we are called to “play skillfully,” as Psalm 33:3 commands, but we are also called to “speak the truth in love,” as Ephesians 4:15 reminds us.

 

As I watched Whiplash and observed the faces of the students under Fletcher’s direction.  They wrestled with the pursuit of perfection and the simultaneous hurt they experienced from such harsh criticism. 

 

They played better, but in my opinion, it wasn’t a “win.”

 

Criticism that is intended to build up, on the other hand, is typically offered in the form of constructive criticism.  Just as buildings are constructed, criticism offered with the intent to build up, is constructive.

 

If someone offers me constructive criticism, it usually comes in the form of showing me what needs work…but then, wait for it…how to improve.

 

This essential component of a suggestion for how to make something better really makes the criticism constructive.

 

This type of criticism is from the Lord.  Philippians 2:13 says, “For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose.”  If He is working in us, He will bring people into our lives to help make us into vessels for His glory.

 

So, constructive criticism is intended to help us remain humble, and to grow spiritually.  If we are teachable, we can be open to constructive criticism.

 

Consider the source

If criticism of any kind is offered, we have to be careful not to simply accept it without thinking.  We need to consider the source.

 

I’ve shared this story before, but a fellow dorm dweller in college heard me playing my very first hours of guitar, and said, “Dude, whoever’s trying to play that music, just stop.  You suck.”  This was a source that probably was not worth listening to.  He offered no suggestions except to quit.  Not a great source to receive opinions from.

 

I’ve also shared this story before.  I recently posted a video on social media of me teaching a basic guitar concept.  One person offered a single comment: the word “moron.”

Now, that is instantly recognizable as negative criticism.  There was no suggestion for how to improve, just this simple negative word.  I was curious, so I clicked on this guy’s profile.  All of his photos showed him frowning.  He looked, quite possibly, like one of the most unhappy people I had come across in a while.

 

And he himself hadn’t contributed anything for others to consume or enjoy.  A telltale characteristic of a critic is that he or she doesn’t actually produce much – they typically spend most of their efforts cutting others down.  It’s not a generous posture at all.

 

Social media is tricky.  Not everything that’s offered in terms of comments is worth considering, especially the negative stuff.  There are things people will type into a comment that they would never even think about saying to someone’s face.  It’s like shooting from behind a hunting blind or something.

To use another description, when I was in my more mischievous pre-teen years one winter, I was outside with some of my colleagues, and there was one kid I didn’t like very much because he had always been unkind to me. 

 

Rather than make efforts to reconcile and mend the relationship, I chose to make a snowball and lob it vertically overhead, with perfect precision so that it came down the back of the inside of his coat.

 

I had thrown it straight up, but by the time the snowball got back to earth, I was turned and looking a different direction, and the expression on my face was “innocence.”  I had been a coward.  But he found me out and an adult had to get involved.

 

People who offer negative, borderline anonymous criticism, are really not worth listening to.

 

Anonymous criticism on a comment card at church carries zero weight with me. 

 

Things like “I didn’t like that arrangement of that hymn,” or “Too loud,” without any contact info with which to engage, are really not worth my time.  If they include an e-mail address or phone number, I can open a conversation and get to know where they’re coming from. 

 

Now, if someone offers criticism of a negative nature, and I have a chance to consider the source and realize that the thoughts were well-intended, if offered in a hasty manner, I can have grace for their miscommunication.  I think of younger kids in some of the school chapels I’ve presented.

Sometimes, young kids might shout out things like, “That doesn’t look right,” or “You played the wrong note,” or something like that.  No filter, right?  What they’re trying to do is add their voice to the conversation, even if it’s not presented eloquently or diplomatically.  I can let those comments go.

 

If someone I care about says something a little harshly, I need to seek reconciliation, and to keep short accounts.  I’ll need to go to them and say, “Hey, did you really mean what you said when you told me I was playing too fast?”

And perhaps I was.

 

But the relationship is more important than what is being criticized.

I have had a handful of ministry relationships where I thought I had communicated my concerns and criticisms well enough while offering suggestions, but they were not received as I had hoped.  And looking back, I could have used a different method.

 

E-mail is a way of communicating information, but it’s really not great for communicating emotion, because people can read into it.

 

Suffice it to say, when I’ve offered criticism or suggestions over e-mail, I’ve had mixed results.  The better solution would have been to gather with them in person, and have a conversation face-to-face, or at least allow them to hear the tone of my voice over the phone.

 

When I’ve sent e-mails containing constructive criticism, some folks have chosen to discontinue their part on the team, but without giving me a chance to work through the misunderstanding with them.

 

This can be really tragic, because not only can they harbor resentment without seeking reconciliation, they can actually convince others to leave with them.  And it’s my conviction that this kind of behavior is not a way to honor Christ.  The deceiver loves it, because it causes division.

 

Now, if I was rude or mean to a team member without explanation, they still have the burden to seek reconciliation, as Matthew 18:15-20 commands us.  But my desire to restore, even under the misunderstanding circumstances, has not always been accepted or received.

Speaking of Christian circles, I wish I didn’t have to say this, but some very mean, negative criticisms (without constructive suggestions) have emerged from the mouths of some people who profess Christ.  This is not a display of the Fruit of the Spirit. 

 

But since we’re all sinful by nature, it’s going to happen.  Let’s be aware and prepared for it.

 

Lastly, on this subject, don’t forget that we ourselves can self-criticize.

And what we say, we can start to subconsciously believe.  Words like “I’m so stupid,” or “I’ll never get this,” are not only destructive to our process; they’re insulting to our Creator.

 

When we start to hit the “repeat” button on those words in our heads, even after we stop saying them, we start to believe them.

 

Our inner critic can take something we say (or someone else says) and magnify it.  So, we need to take every thought captive (1 Corinthians 10:5) and to check it with what would honor the Lord and ourselves, as His children.

 

Instead of negative self-criticism, we can say things to ourselves like, “I may not have this yet, but I’ll keep working on it,” or “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” or “This is the long game.”  But it needs to be less negative, and more constructive.

 

So, we need to consider the source.  And if we are the source, let’s be sure we’re offering constructive criticism in a way that honors others and ourselves, as well as the Lord.

 

Consider the motivation

If someone is offering criticism, they have some sort of motivation.  It could be to make themselves feel better by belittling us with an insult.  Or, it could be to help us grow as musicians, or even with our character.  Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” 

 

If the motivation of the person offering their opinion is to help us, we would do well to receive their counsel, even if it doesn’t feel good.  On the other side of that conversation, we can experience growth, progress, and forward momentum.

 

If they only want to be mean, we can allow the Lord to take those arrows, and then we can move on to the next conversation, or even more appropriately, we can take a little time in the Word to read what God has to say about us.

 

Maybe try reading Psalm 139 as a start.

 

But everybody has an opinion. 

 

And like it or not, any sort of ministry where we offer our musical gifts, especially up front on the worship platform or the stage, is bound to draw unsolicited input from congregants or audience members who would never in a million years have the courage to step up and do what we do.

 

You are not your music

I book my own shows, and Whitney has helped me do this for several years.  We hired a few part-time booking assistants for a few months, but I’d say that most of the booking responsibilities, especially in recent years, have been mine.

 

It’s exciting and unpredictable to send e-mails, texts, and to hop on the phone, because you never know what people are going to say.  Some may be very responsive and excited, others moderately interested, and others disinterested, or even silent (which, over time, can communicate disinterest.)

Early on, when someone was disinterested in hosting my ministry, I took it rather personally.  I thought, “Maybe I don’t have something to offer.” 

But here’s the thing.  I had played enough concerts and led enough times of worship that people had verbally expressed to me their deep appreciation…so I had temporarily forgotten that I did have something to offer. 

 

But not to everyone.

 

Imagine if in the process of reaching out to five dozen venues or so (which is what I typically average in a booking session), every single venue said, “Yes.  Let’s put something on the calendar.  And we can accommodate your honorarium, no problem.”

First, I’d need to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.  But second, if they all wanted to book me, my calendar would be overwhelmed with commitments, to say nothing of the physical toll it might take on me to have multiple days of engagements in a row.

 

I’ve found my sweet spot of about 30 to 50 shows a year or so.  One year I did about 100, and it was too much.  There are other artists out there who can play 200-300 dates a year.  That’s fine, but it’s just not for me.

 

If I want those shows on my calendar, I need to sift through the venues that aren’t interested, to get to the ones that are interested.  If, every time someone said “No, we’re not interested,” I decided not to get back on the phone or send any more e-mails, I’d be giving in to unnecessary discouragement.

 

I received some helpful insight from Dawn Jones about this early on.  Dawn was our guest on Guitar Serious Fun Episode 46: Reduce it to the Ridiculous.  

 

When talking about rejection in the booking realm, Dawn encouraged me to pick out an object on my desk.  I chose a mug full of highlighters.

She said, “David, I want you to think of this mug of highlighters as your ministry talent – your guitar playing, your singing, your worship leading and your performing.  When a venue says they’re not interested, they’re not saying that they’re not interested in you.  They’re saying that they’re not interested in your ministry talent.  It’s like they’re saying, ‘We don’t have a need for highlighters with the projects we’re working on right now.’”

 

I literally printed up those words and put them on the mug of highlighters right where I could “read them on the run.” 

 

I know it can be easy to take things personally, and I’m working through this off and on as I do ministry, but the one thing I can keep coming back to is the fact that my gifts, abilities, and talents are not me.

 

Tom Jackson, a performance coach I’ve mentioned in previous episodes, asks the question, “Is everybody who listens to your music going to like you?”  The answer is obviously, “No.”

His follow-up question is simple but illuminating: “Is that ok?”

And when we answer, “Yes,” we realize how incredibly liberating that is. 

I am not my guitar.  I am not my music.   I am not my abilities. 

 

Who I am is a child of God.  And being loved by Him, at the end of the day, is what matters most.

 

Sturdy Vessels

When I was on staff as a Director of Worship, I put together an audition process that allowed me to keep a moderately high standard for the musicians I brought on board. 

 

I say “moderately,” because in church ministry there can be a fine line between excellence and perfectionism.  And one person who works really hard and plays a few songs really well could actually surpass the merits of someone who’s very talented but plays sloppily because they don’t practice.

 

Character is paramount, as well.

 

So, when I auditioned people to be on the worship team, I made it very clear at the beginning that they need to be ok with the word “No” or the words “Not yet” after they audition.  They aren’t automatically granted a spot on the team just because they auditioned.

To those whom I felt weren’t ready, I offered constructive criticism and gave them some things to work on, so that in three to six months, they could come back and audition again.  But even at that point, they still needed to be ok with the words “Not yet.”

When I’ve said “No” or “Not yet” to some folks, they’ve been pretty upset, for one reason or another.  Perhaps they were allowed to offer their musical gifts at their previous church but weren’t up to our standards yet.  Perhaps their level of self-awareness was not high. 

But for one reason or another, I’ve had to respectfully decline bringing them on board.  When they’ve gotten upset, their “true colors” of being offended or annoyed have shown me that their character was also not ready for the worship leading responsibility.

 

Those who remain teachable and humble are much more suitable for the worship team, especially because they’ll go work on their skills and come back.

 

Now, on the subject of sturdiness, we need to be strong enough to take criticism without harboring resentment for receiving it. 

 

We need to acknowledge that the Lord makes each of us for various purposes.  2 Timothy 2:20 talks about articles that are for special purposes, while others are for common use.

For the clay to tell the potter “Hey, I belong in a palace, not a small house,” may actually skirt the edge of telling the Lord that He doesn’t know what He’s doing.

 

Maybe our intuition for guitar playing or music is not strong enough to be shared on a platform.  Ever.  Could we embrace that?

 

Maybe it’s something for us to share with friends and family, or perhaps in a Sunday school classroom.  Does that make it any less significant?

In God’s Kingdom economy, I’d say “no.”

 

We need to be sturdy Christians who aren’t bowled over by a little gust of wind in the form of criticism of any kind. 

 

We need to be able to take it, consider it, and benefit from it – wait for it – even if it’s offered by a mean person in a mean tone.

If someone says something truly unkind with absolutely no intent to edify us, we can still learn.  At the very least, we can learn from that exchange how not to speak to others.

 

We’re always learning…or at least we always can be, and this doesn’t just include music, right?

 

So, when someone criticizes your guitar playing, your singing, your hair, or whatever, ask yourself whether it is negative or constructive criticism.  Consider the source.  Consider the motivation of the person criticizing you.  Remember that you are not your music.  And stay sturdy. 

 

We are playing the long game.  To last long enough to play the music that the Lord has called us play, for the people He has called us to play for, we need to be sturdy and resilient.  The promises of His Word will be there to remind us that we are precious to Him.

 

And if you want to play the long game with me and other like-minded guitarists who are followers of Christ in a seriously fun environment at your own pace, from the comfort of home, in a highly affordable experience that is unlike anything else, please join us today at GuitarSuccess4U.com. 

 

 

Keep showing up, and I’ll see you next time.